My Pilgrimage

I switched over

2007-04-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

To wordpress. You can find me at VictoriaMerita.wordpress.com

My life on days

2007-03-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

So i realized that the schedule i keep right now makes it virtually impossible to see my friends. I go to bed before 12am which insures my nighttime buddies don't see me, but then I work in the evenings, so my more normal hang out when the sun's out friends are off limits then too. Ahhh...i miss you guys.

I have to admit, I have so much more energy. I'm a little out of it...but i seem to be able to think clearer too. And oh yes....if I want to take a walk...i can take a flippin walk! That's glorious. If I need to go to the store, i can go to the store. And i no longer have to cover up my windows and I can wake up to the sun. And lastly, loud music and lawn mowers no longer disturb my sleep schedule. It's beautiful.

I start a new job today!!! I work at Panera Bread off college blvd and metcalf (right by kinko's and franklin covey) so if you have time stop by and say hi.

I think that's about it.

Things I love from my day today

2007-03-25T00:39:00.000-07:00

COFFEE
Long drives
Old friends
restoration
books
large bodies of water
COFFEE
free air in my tires
close friends
my roommate
silence
intimate prayer
Mt. 11:28
fresh start
finishing a book
candles
dancing
poetry
water
my ipod
COFFEE
chocolate
days off!!!!!!

jewel of wisdom

2007-03-21T02:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm reading Hind's Feet on High Places right now. I'm usually not a fan of allegories, but this one is moving my heart. I am trembling as I read this sucker. It has a lot to do with the fact that the Lord sent me on a personal journey through song of solomon (which is clearly the primary influence of this book)...and the random psalms sung throughout it.

So anyways...I found a jewel of wisdom I'd like to share with y'all. We all know it, it's just a helpful little reminder.

She is talking to the Shepherd about the beautiful flowers in far off lands that no one gets to see. She confessed to him that she felt as though the beauty of these flowers was being wasted. It's his response where the wisdom lies (of course)...remember...this is an allegory!!

"Nothing my Father and I have made is ever wasted," he said quietly, "and the little wild flowers have a wonderful lesson to teach. They offer themselves so sweetly and confidently and willingly, even if it seems that there is no one to appreciate them. Just as though they sang a joyous little song to themselves, that it is so happy to love, even though one is not loved in return."

Isn't that so beautiful? Ahh...it moves my heart.

I'm pullin an emily

2007-03-20T02:30:00.000-07:00

So I have a feelings a lot more people visit my blog than those who leave comments...so here goes...it's now an issue of intergrity.

Yep...I want comments from ya all....but not just any comments...i want words. Bible verses will do. Random prophecy..and prayers.

So leave em...and funny jokes if you have those. Don't forget to comment.

so about darin damme

2007-03-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned he's great?? He's really awesome....and if you haven't seen him dance you should seriously play 90's music around him and be prepared to laugh so hard you'll cry. Seriously....it's amazing.

Intimacy for real

2007-03-17T02:22:00.000-07:00

I love communion. I mean, the actual flesh and blood. To take it alone means I get to remember my salvation...and be thankful. To look upon the oath I made to him and focus on his oath to me and partake of the elements...to eat his flesh and drink his blood. Now that's intimacy. For real...you can't ask for much more than that.

Then with a community means we together, as one body, can stand together in unity over one thing...the cross. To look upon the one man that binds us together and coporately offer our lives back to him wholly in dedication. To proclaim in front of one another that we still believe...we still stand...and most importantly...we still say yes.

Ahh...I love communion. I miss it. It's been awhile and I must confess...I am having withdraws. I know it sounds weird, but it's been such an important part of my salvation. When I first got saved, Kyle used to have a little house church where we would take communion together every thursday. Then I would take it with a couple of friends once a week, then Jared's little prayer room team, then by myself everyday. I haven't in awhile though...and I miss it terribly...so here is my public declaration...I STILL SAY YES! Yes, and I'm thankful for the cross. I'm thankful for mercy. I'm thankful for Jesus. I say yes...

May I have a heart that burns

2007-03-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

I hung out with someone the other day who has openly decided to 'chill out'. They feel they've taken the christian life too serious, and in their disillusionment they have decided to take a step back.

I talked to them about how resigning the fight doesn't mean satan will stop throwing punches, and that you can't take a break from intimacy without losing it, and every other key point I could think of, but in the end...their decision remained. They were taking a break.

I realized sometimes how i've secretly decided to take days off. That the blows I take overwhelm me and I try to run to a refuge outside of God. There is no such refuge and there is no comfort in running away. Stand therefore!!!

May I never resolve to anything less than everything. "This is no sacrifice...here's my life." (thank you jason upton!)

Abba, please give me a heart that burns.

Interesting fact about me

2007-03-15T01:25:00.000-07:00

I feel extremely productive unless I have prayed for at least an hour every day. Like no matter how hard I work, or how many relationships I invest in, I seriously feel lazy at night unless I have spent quality time it prayer.

I never knew that about me being on staff at IHOP...i guess I sorta took for granted the hours upon hours I prayed...but now it's in my face (i'm at a loss for a good metaphore), and I have no other choice than to fall on my face and make sure I truly worship in the hour I have, because if not that hour is gone and I have lost the most important part of my day. Whew...a lot of pressure.....guess I better pray like right now. Peace.

my heart beats for communion

2007-03-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

I tend to be one of those people who proclaim emphatically to not share your heart on your blog...but here goes nothing...

Over the last year I have lost an intense amount of friends. You know how you know when the Lord is teaching you something? Like you rebuke the devil while in all honesty you are really pleading for mercy...

I realized through all my loneliness that it's a God-given longing to desire intimate friends. That the Lord has so much to teach us through the joys and trials of pain in relationships. That intimacy truly breeds intercession and intercession intimacy. That regardless of how close the friend is it tears you up on the inside to think of losing them.

Suddenly I got a glimpse of the Lord. How earnestly his heart yearns for me to be near him. How he never stops crying out for me in my failures. How he covers me when I fall and rewards me when I stand. How deeply he desires my friends and enemies. Behold how much longing there is in the cross. And how patient he is in waiting to return to have me entirely.

Above all else I want him. No matter how many friends I lose, I am not a failure as long as I remain in Christ. And i trust his ability to lead me way beyond my ability to follow.

How desperately I need him. How desperately we all need him.

funny you must watch this

2007-03-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

Grace grace in the marketplace

2007-03-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling a lot recently with the intensity of transition I am under. I am leaving what seems to be the greatest calling there is (IHOP...or a life focused entirely around prayer and fasting) to work. Ironically the world demands a greater sense of maturity than the church. This might sound odd, but hear me out!

See I get cussed out at work at least 4 times a day. But in the midst of getting severely mistreated, I am expected to forgive them in the moment of pain and offer them grace. Mostly I want to cuss back and throw stuff back, but I find my back is against the wall right now. I'm not sure what exactly I have transitioned in to. You see, the church is different. BLESS GOD FOR THAT! When someone gets mad at me they still want me to offer them the same grace, but the holy spirit inside of them only allows them to get away with so much...like I haven't been completely manifested on at church in a pretty long time. So generally they repent. But not just that, if my own propensity to weakness does cause me to respond in an ungodly manner I am offered grace in return..i.e. forgiveness.

I've been praying for christians in the marketplace ever since i realized how extremely difficult it is.

My official goodbye!

2007-03-11T00:18:00.000-08:00

I have finally done it. I am no longer on staff at IHOP. No thus saith the Lord or anything, it's just simply time to move on. Thusly, I have lost my email address. That is probably the one thing that makes me sad. My new email address is VictoriaMerita@gmail.com. Remember that and keep me in updates. That's really all I have to say about that right now, if you have questions or comments feel free and more info could maybe come.

Yep.

Semi-somewhat not so much job offer

2007-03-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

So I tried to quit my job at walmart a couple of days ago. Yeah, I had a real bad day and my job sucks. I wrote up my two weeks and was walking back to turn it in when a manager found me and talked me out of it. He offered me a raise, a better position with half the flippin' work, and full time. He told me to come in today to get started. Sounds really irresistably good, right?

So today I go in a bit early to discuss my new job with him and get all the paper work done, when to my dismay I found out he actually has no authority to make such hefty promises. And that in fact he was asking for a serious favor from his friend in the other place, who actually has no room to add another person just yet. But it sounds like he did talk his friend into it and I won't start for another week, nor am I getting a raise.

So he told me today he is 90% positive this is COMPLETELY squared away. Yeah, he's really optimistic. Good guy. I will wait till I get another job before putting in my two weeks....but I'm not gonna like it. :)

To Whom Shall I Go?

2007-03-04T11:45:00.001-08:00

God, I need to hear from you
My soul is looking for another
I need a love that will satisfy
Hold me before I wander

I’m torn between the options
Of what I do not know
I just know I’m searching
I’m looking for a home

I feel like an orphan
In a family with a father
I feel like I’m divorced
And you’re my priestly lover

No matter how surrounded
I always feel alone
No matter how tight you hold me
The night still seems so long

Help me – I’m so weary
Hold me – I’m so afraid
Leave not my side forever
You’re the only one whose stayed

I need to know you
Because my ideas are all wrong
I need to find you
In the place that I belong

I need to stay there
Despite all the pain
Let your tears wash me
And rid me of this shame

To find your forgiveness
Then truly love my brother
Walk the Sermon on the Mount, kid
Oh, just a little bit longer...

It’s only a vapor
Then, Lord, you’ll return
You’ll restore everything
Then here I’ll find my home

You’re the King of the ages
The glory of all I know
The only one I worship
To you I lift my soul

You leave me standing
When I know I should kneel
You are so humble
That you hear my appeal

I’m nothing compared to you
yet somehow we are one
You gave me your kingdom
then I inherited your Son

--Victoria Harms

On a lighter note

2007-03-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

They removed the turn-about thingys outside of walmart. Those annoying things you had to drive around very slowing on the back road on your way in and out of walmart...yeah those things are gone. Bless God. The midwest is right, it's all about 4 way stops and not the stupid circles.

I'm mistreated

2007-03-03T21:45:00.000-08:00

And that's so not personal news. Because as Mike Bickle so kindly taught us..."if you are not mistreated right now, then you are probably mistreating someone else...or you are about to mistreat or be mistreated"

That's so true. Today at work I pitched a serious inner tantrum. Inside I was - no joke - in my heart of hearts I was lying down on the floor kicking and screaming. I had had enough.

This season has been defined by mistreatment for me. I've lost almost everything on false accusations. It's not hard to get something on me, but the Lord had tried to teach me a thing or two about humility. My roommate and I were talking the other night about how badly I've been mistreated this year. I realized that in the end the Lord isn't going to ask me what they did to me, or validate my actions because I was mistreated....he's going to ask me if I loved well. He'll ask me if I forgave well. At some point it can no longer be about who did what to whom or how, but how was my heart in the midst of it.

Don't get me wrong I seriously have done my fair share of mistreatment and the Lord has talked to me about that too....as in did I repent well.

Anyways...I'm learning that at the end of the day he cares how badly I am hurting and is faithful to see me through.

My day in lawrence...

2007-02-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

We started off eating at Jefferson's because they (natina, micah and emily mcT) wouldn't let me eat again at a place I had already been to. I love the Mad Greek and could eat there every day if I lived closer.....walked around a bit...hit up a sucky flippin coffee shop that didn't have raw sugar, organic milk, toilet paper, and you could only have one tea bag no matter how big the size. Then we went to a few clothing stores...and off the the KU campus.

I have further confirmed my suspicion that I want to go to college...that was cool.

We spent the entire drive back worshiping to clay and audra's CD's...on to blockbuster, then to taco bell for dinner, then back here to watch a few movies. I've had a pretty awesome day. Until next month when Natina and I go back to Lawrence to watch the plain white t's live. Email me if you wanna come!

shows shows shows

2007-02-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

About bands that only play in bars...i shake my fist! I desire to be entertained...don't they know playing there can bring about compromise? punks....

About Jared Diehl

2007-02-20T01:01:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to see if he'd leave me a comment if I mentioned his name. Jared Diehl. Yep.

About money

2007-02-16T02:31:00.000-08:00

Why does money always seem scarce? When I need it there is never any available...yet somehow I am mostly out of debt. hmm...I'm thinking Jesus plays a bigger role in our finances than we give him credit for.

I have a God who fights for me...

2007-02-16T02:26:00.000-08:00

it is God who avenges me.

Daily tasks

2007-02-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

First priority of the day: coerce my landlord into fixing my heat. Not really...he's a good guy. Just when stuff breaks in the middle of the night you're a little screwed. So I went to sleep with two down comforters, two blankets, one sheet, and entirely clothed in sweats. I prepared myself for a really really long night. However I woke up at noon burning hot. I thought I was going to pass out from dehydration. My non-deity savior had come...I quickly threw off everything but the sheet, flipped off the clock and went back to bed.

Now I am preparing for a job interview. But first I have to run to the post office and pick up my season of 24 that the post man refuses to leave at my door. Then drop by higher grounds for a cup of organic coffee...then straight over to the interview. I always feel like I'm lying in those things. Especially since one of the senseless questions they ask you is "have you ever lied?" We'll see...unfortunately I'm not too much in the mood to impress someone today.

then back home to to cook an awesome supper and watch 24 for hours. I can't wait...

Meditations

2007-02-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

I've been reading through the new testament for a class I did in fsm. I have been paying special attention to Jesus' interaction with peter. I never really noticed how 'harsh' jesus was with him. I put quotations around that because obviously he was seriously tender to save him, restore him, call him all the great things he did. But back to my point...I have been watching how peter responded to the Lord's criticism. I mean that had to be HECK-OF scary. I get freaked out when stuart talks to me...but to have Jesus call you satan...that had to hurt crazy bad. But peter was so repentant. He didn't despise the Lord's correction. He wept when he found himself a failure (denying jesus after promising to follow him 'even unto death'). Then if you get a little further you get to watch paul smack the heck out of peter. Still peter seems repentant and humble...I want to be like peter. I mean, I haven't swayed an entire church to hypocrisy...nor do I want to...but I want to find that place of vulnerability that causes me to just trust the Lord's discipline and discipleship.

at least i have samson!

2007-02-15T00:34:00.000-08:00

My heater is broken...but samson, with his great strength, comes to my rescue again. He's my little space heater that is strong and mighty but if you cut off his locks (his little cord that plugs into the wall) it's all over and his strength is gone. I love my little samson.

I lost my blog

2007-02-15T00:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but nonetheless I'm off to another fresh start. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this thing or not...but I don't mind writing to myself. I actually rather enjoy it...